Last year, on the 28th of September, around 5 a.m. I was having a dream about my Mother. We were saying goodbye and when I came into full consciousness I knew it was the last day my Mom would be with us here in this world and this time. My sisters and daughter had already gone back to their homes because, in this world we live in, even when your beloved Mother and Grandmother is dying you have to go to work. Kind of sucks, doesn't it? Anyway my logical side kept saying it was just a dream, but my heart of hears knew. I called into work and told them I would be late. I stopped and got a very comforting cup of hot chocolate and just went and sat with Mom. I wasn't there to comfort her, though at the time I might have thought so. I was there for her presence to comfort me. And so I stayed for a while before Dad came in to sit with her. I knew I would be back early in the afternoon because Dad had a doctor appointment. I went and did whatever it was that I thought was so important at work and went back. When Dad returned we just sat together. Mom wasn't really with us at this point. She just didn't know it was okay to go. When I realized this was really the end, I called Ron and Josh to come and be with us. Josh had been coming every night and sitting with his Grandmother; holding her hand and feeding her chocolate ice cream. I am so glad he had his special time with her. Ron knew the minute he saw her he knew it was the end. He had seen it before. I had not. Dad stepped out to get coffee and Ron leaned over and told Mom that it was ok. That we would take care of Dad and she could leave in peace. Dad came back and we sat together. It wasn’t long after that Mom left us.
And now it is a year later. Dad has done better than I thought but he will never be happy again, not like he was anyway. They spent 60 years together. How can you be? But her passing forever changed my life. It was then I decided to really change my life. It is not an easy task, no matter how much you want; to change your life. “Join me and flow downstream toward living the life you love,” a quote from my dear friend at zenchick.com. So one step at a time, starting Not My Farm; pursuing natural horsemanship, becoming an equine specialist in equine assisted psychotherapy and learning- all on the outside but it’s the inside changes that are big. Every day I question my own personal belief system. Is this belief mine? Is it my parents? Is it my children’s? Is it societal? What is it and where does it come from and DO I NEED TO KEEP IT? So like taking things to Good Will when cleaning things out physically; I am now cleaning out beliefs. Some people can make changes in great leaps; some have to do it a little at a time. I think I have tried several times in my life and keep going back, because it is more comfortable. Even if it is not right for you, you feel secure and comfortable. But I have no reason not to change and live the rest of my life loving what I do and who I am. I have no more security working for someone else than I do working for myself. I could lose my job any day at the whim of another individual. If I am going to work my ass off, might as well be for me. But I am not the only one I affect with my decisions. So I am moving forward a step at a time, making changes, trusting that all will be well and my needs will be met.
Go out and find your “Not My Farm”! Question your beliefs and make sure they belong to you. Throw out the ones that don’t and move forward with your life. Get out of your comfort zone and learn. If you can’t do it on your own, find like-minded individuals to help you on your dream path. Keep the faith and someday, make the leap. I will.
And now it is a year later. Dad has done better than I thought but he will never be happy again, not like he was anyway. They spent 60 years together. How can you be? But her passing forever changed my life. It was then I decided to really change my life. It is not an easy task, no matter how much you want; to change your life. “Join me and flow downstream toward living the life you love,” a quote from my dear friend at zenchick.com. So one step at a time, starting Not My Farm; pursuing natural horsemanship, becoming an equine specialist in equine assisted psychotherapy and learning- all on the outside but it’s the inside changes that are big. Every day I question my own personal belief system. Is this belief mine? Is it my parents? Is it my children’s? Is it societal? What is it and where does it come from and DO I NEED TO KEEP IT? So like taking things to Good Will when cleaning things out physically; I am now cleaning out beliefs. Some people can make changes in great leaps; some have to do it a little at a time. I think I have tried several times in my life and keep going back, because it is more comfortable. Even if it is not right for you, you feel secure and comfortable. But I have no reason not to change and live the rest of my life loving what I do and who I am. I have no more security working for someone else than I do working for myself. I could lose my job any day at the whim of another individual. If I am going to work my ass off, might as well be for me. But I am not the only one I affect with my decisions. So I am moving forward a step at a time, making changes, trusting that all will be well and my needs will be met.
Go out and find your “Not My Farm”! Question your beliefs and make sure they belong to you. Throw out the ones that don’t and move forward with your life. Get out of your comfort zone and learn. If you can’t do it on your own, find like-minded individuals to help you on your dream path. Keep the faith and someday, make the leap. I will.
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