Last year, on the 28th of September, around 5 a.m. I was having a dream about my Mother.  We were saying goodbye and when I came into full consciousness I knew it was the last day my Mom would be with us here in this world and this time.  My sisters and daughter had already gone back to their homes because, in this world we live in, even when your beloved Mother and Grandmother is dying you have to go to work.  Kind of sucks, doesn't it?  Anyway my logical side kept saying it was just a dream, but my heart of hears knew.  I called into work and told them I would be late. I stopped and got a very comforting cup of hot chocolate and just went and sat with Mom.  I wasn't there to comfort her, though at the time I might have thought so.  I was there for her presence to comfort me.  And so I stayed for a while before Dad came in to sit with her.  I knew I would be back early in the afternoon because Dad had a doctor appointment.  I went and did whatever it was that I thought was so important at work and went back.  When Dad returned we just sat together.  Mom wasn't really with us at this point.  She just didn't know it was okay to go.  When I realized this was really the end, I called Ron and Josh to come and be with us.  Josh had been coming every night and sitting with his Grandmother; holding her hand and feeding her chocolate ice cream.  I am so glad he had his special time with her.  Ron knew the minute he saw her he knew it was the end.  He had seen it before.  I had not.  Dad stepped out to get coffee and Ron leaned over and told Mom that it was ok.  That we would take care of Dad and she could leave in peace.  Dad came back and we sat together.  It wasn’t long after that Mom left us.

And now it is a year later.  Dad has done better than I thought but he will never be happy again, not like he was anyway.  They spent 60 years together.  How can you be?  But her passing forever changed my life.  It was then I decided to really change my life. It is not an easy task, no matter how much you want; to change your life.  “Join me and flow downstream toward living the life you love,” a quote from my dear friend at zenchick.com.  So one step at a time, starting Not My Farm; pursuing natural horsemanship, becoming an equine specialist in equine assisted psychotherapy and learning- all on the outside but it’s the inside changes that are big.  Every day I question my own personal belief system.  Is this belief mine?  Is it my parents?  Is it my children’s?  Is it societal?  What is it and where does it come from and DO I NEED TO KEEP IT?  So like taking things to Good Will when cleaning things out physically; I am now cleaning out beliefs.  Some people can make changes in great leaps; some have to do it a little at a time.  I think I have tried several times in my life and keep going back, because it is more comfortable.  Even if it is not right for you, you feel secure and comfortable.  But I have no reason not to change and live the rest of my life loving what I do and who I am.  I have no more security working for someone else than I do working for myself.  I could lose my job any day at the whim of another individual.  If I am going to work my ass off, might as well be for me.  But I am not the only one I affect with my decisions.  So I am moving forward a step at a time, making changes, trusting that all will be well and my needs will be met. 

Go out and find your “Not My Farm”!  Question your beliefs and make sure they belong to you.  Throw out the ones that don’t and move forward with your life.  Get out of your comfort zone and learn.  If you can’t do it on your own, find like-minded individuals to help you on your dream path.  Keep the faith and someday, make the leap. I will.

So on the 21st of September last year I made a phone call I was not prepared to make because I was not ready to let go.  I called my family home because the doctors had told us that my Mom had about 2 weeks to live.  And a whole lot has happened since then, including NotMyFarm.  

I realized after Mom's passing that I really needed to change things.  As the old saying goes, life is short and I really think I have let most of it pass me by.  So I needed to find my passion and pursue it.  I love and admire my children so much because in my mind they did just that and did it at an early age.  My son was in college and decided to move back home.  After a couple of months I asked him what he loved most to do and the answer was welding.  In a family full of college degrees and advanced education, he received his welding certificate from a local technical college and has done great.  Yes, his work is still a job, but he pursued his passion.  He didn't worry about how he was going to pay the bills but he has done well for himself.  My daughter graduated from medical college and is in her residency.  She decided while in undergraduate school that medicine was where she needed to be.  She understood the debt she would incur while following her dream.  But she followed her passion and calling knowing that was part of the price to pay.
  
After losing Mom, I had to ask myself why I wasn't following the same advice I had always given my kids.  Why was I still living my life to please others?  So I have started making changes and growing.  I have started pushing outside my comfort zone, the only place to learn and grow, and moving on.  I have acquired some of the most wonderful women friends one of whom, by introducing me to natural horsemanship, has changed my life immensely.  Horsemanship has taught me humanship and I hope it is making me a kinder, softer, more understanding person.  I started NotMyFarm at the urging of a dear friend.  It is slowly growing and I am getting more referrals, so hopefully it will overwhelm me next year.  And I love it.  I love that others place that much trust in me to take care of their dream and entrust me with their beloved pets.  It is humbling.  I love to look after the animals.  I even love having to get up extra early just so I have the time to get the chores done and then go to work.  I enjoy the peace of the farm.  

I had a personal health scare recently that just reinforced the idea that I had to do my own thing.  So after my boss gets back from his extended vacation in Mexico, I am going to work part-time at my day job.  I want the time to pursue NotMyFarm and my equine assisted psychotherapy and learning programs (thinking of calling it Horse of My Heart).  Horses have made such a difference in my life, I want to share that with others.  
There have been so many signs in the last year and so many changes.   Two more of the significant ones are letting a cat adopt me and Jenks (I an not really a cat person but Pippin has become part of the family) and putting my house up for sale.   I want more horse and farm experience and hope to find a place that will give me that experience.  

So after a year, though I am still not ready to let go, I am learning to.  I miss my Mom a lot.  She was not only my Mom but a dear friend and I am not sure that I did not fail her in the end but I love her and always will.  And I know in my heart of hearts she knew that.  I am learning that the Universe will provide if you trust enough to let it.  I am learning about friendship and what it really is and how to be one.  I am also finding my truth again.  

So go out and find your passion, follow your dreams and trust that whatever deity you believe in, will provide for you and yours.